True but thats because hes a fetus.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
