I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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