i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
