why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
