I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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