Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
