Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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