Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
