so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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