Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
someone owes me an orgasm
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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