anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Text me some of your sweat
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
