I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
