so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
