i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
