oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize