Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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