I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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