I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
