I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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