A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i came on her dog
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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