Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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