Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
