I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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