Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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