I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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