What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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