My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
