the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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