You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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