i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
