Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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