My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
