you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
