I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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