I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize