Where did you get a picture of my penis
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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