Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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