Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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