I need help removing her.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
