i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
