Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
