Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
