There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
