Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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