Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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