dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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