Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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