im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
