We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
