we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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