I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
