I cockslap morals
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
