so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I met the friendliest cop last night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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