You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
