I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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