Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize