Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
