You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
